You Might be a Dog Fanatic if You...
Things to watch out for when meeting people who have dogs

By: Bruce Bahlmann - Contributing Author (your feedback is important to us!)

Created: May 19, 2005

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Does your dog have a psychologist? Perhaps you have health insurance for your dog, “just in case” or you have registered your dog with one of these services that surgically insert a computer chip into the dog’s body "just in case" your dog escapes your tight grasp so that somewhere someone might possibly find your dog, think enough to have it scanned to examine the information on the chip, and then kindly return it to you. If you are one of these people, there is no need to read on. However, if you are curious to learn more about the dog fanatic phenomenon or perhaps you think you might know one and want to understand them - you could find the rest of this article interesting – especially since it is true. 

Dogs are a “man’s” best friend 

Speaking as a person who grew up on the farm and have certainly enjoyed the company of many dogs throughout my life, never were they treated out of the ordinary or much more than any other animal on the farm – they are after all – “just dogs”. Farmers may be unique in that respect – least in this day and age. They look at all animals the same. Like in the movie Babe, during one point where the diabolical cat had a conversation with the babe (who was a pig) where the cat explained that all animals on the farm must ‘have a purpose’ and that once they no longer had a purpose, they were disposed of or eaten. A dog’s role on the farm ranges from protecting the grounds, herding sheep, assisting the hunt (scaring up or retrieving game), and occasional companionship. In fact, one could argue that dogs are meant to work, not be pampered, it is against a dog's very nature. Dogs are hyper animals that are mean to roam in a pack and socialize.

In reality dogs have many less useful but well accepted roles in today’s society than what is expected of them on the farm. They are domesticated, collected, shown, precision bread, animated, photographed, idolized, and symbolized. Dogs are “taken in as babes", cared, fed, cuddled to the point where they are very much part of a family or in some cases become the substitute for one. However along with these less purposeful roles, most dogs no longer run wild or roam freely on a farm somewhere – rather they find themselves within the confines of cities.

The city is perhaps one of the saddest and loneliest places for dogs. In the city, dogs are locked up in small apartments, leached nearly everywhere they go, and when they are not walked or locked up, they latch on to whatever resemblance of “freedom” that presents itself. One could argue that keeping a dog locked up all day or leached everywhere is just as "silly" as keeping a bird in a cage. While the chores of caring for dogs normally fall upon the man while on the farm, dogs are increasingly finding their way in to women’s lives – especially within the city. However not all women dog owners handle (care, feed, walk, wash, etc.) their dogs - but like Paris Hilton, they higher "handlers" who do all the "dirty work" while they handle it only when it is stylish, convenient, or it looks good. It would be a priceless photo if ever you saw the likes of Paris Hilton cleaning up after her dog after it pooped on the street.

In this day an age of working women, dogs become a source of very strong emotional bonds between woman and dog – much more than the love between a man and his dog. With the absence of a male companion and/or children, women professionals have been known to heavily latch on to dogs to fill the void in their lives that satisfies their innate need to raise, care, and feed small beings. In fact the women’s biological need to nest and nurture can be somewhat pacified by taking in a dog and making it her own. But while this is great and all for the dog and perhaps even comforting to the woman, what does this say about our society that must resort to obscure behavior just to keep us feeling whole or feeling as if our presence is important to someone or something?

The smaller the dog, the bigger the maternal connection

These days dogs are regularly taken away from their natural habitats to make them “babies” for those in need to care for "something". As a result, dogs that are uniquely suited for warm or even sub tropical climates are brought to cities where winters last 4-5 months of the year. Similarly but less frequently, dogs best suited for cooler climates are taken to places where it is very warm all year round. To accommodate such harsh climates, dog owners may go to great personal inconvenience and expense to keep their apartment heated or cooled on all day long just to “comfort their dog”. There are instances of owners supplying heating pads for the dog’s pillow just to make sure they don’t get a chill or running floor fans just for the dog in case they become too hot. When such dogs are not in their cozy confines, they are dressed in coats, shoes, etc. as if they were really "babies” to allow them to function in the extremes. These garments are often chosen so that the “go with” the color of the dog’s eyes or the favorite color of its owner or their accessories (purse, shoes, coat, etc.). Such dogs are also cleaned each time they come out of the cold in the event salt, sand or other items may have become lodged in their feet. Such preparations can add between 5-10 minutes to each time a dog is brought outside.

The smaller the dog, the more time and care they need but also the more likely it is communicated with using “baby talk”. For example, “Oh, you have some sand between your toes-e-wosies”. Words like “munchkin”, “walkies”, "hello-see-wosies", and numerous other baby words become part of regular communication with smaller dogs. Smaller dog owners begin talking like babies as if their fully grown smaller dogs are relegated to being babies indefinitely - any dog older than a year is pretty much considered a young adult even if it is a small dog yet owners of small dogs can keep their baby indefinitely. Small dogs become the perfect baby - never grows into a teenager! The larger the dog, the more likely they are treated as an adult and not talked to like a baby. Women in particular respond to small dogs the same as if they were looking into a baby crib, only instead of a small human, it is a small dog they are attempting to communicate with using their baby talk. The other nice thing about owning a small dog is you can have a "baby", name it whatever you want, and keep it for the next 12-18 years without enduring pregnancy - only no one tells you that after the dog dies that it leaves women feeling that a great opportunity in their life (to have real children) has passed them by - replaced only temporarily by a "baby" dog.

In many ways small dogs capture the attention of others around them – calling out to passers by, “come see me, I’m cute, please pet me.” The owner of a small dog often lavishes in the attention that small dogs command from strangers. It can be a way to meet strangers or converse with other dog owners about dogs. Walking a dog can even resemble your own private dating service - almost like going to a bar. You can check out the opposite sex (and their dog if that is important to you) and if things look promising you can mosey that way and begin making small talk about something completely neutral – dogs. People are lead to believe that they have the most amazing dog when they regularly receive positive reinforcement from others – even if in reality the work required to keep their dog is overwhelming. Because of all the positive reinforcement, these dog owners begin to actually believe that all dogs don’t require any time at all – and you can take them anywhere. However, it is one thing go acknowledge a dog and like to pet one on a street and quite another thing to take care of one day in and day out. People often walk up to such dogs and oodle over them or give advice to dog owners about what they should or shouldn’t do with their pet to the point where they seemingly encourage their owners to keep their dog as well as further reinforce to the dog’s owner what a great dog they have. However, some of these very people giving advice would never have a dog in their apartment as they think they are dirty, that they carry germs, and don’t want dog hair spread around in their space. Still fewer of these very people would volunteer to watch after or care for your dog when you go away on a "real vacation" (vacation from your pet) and need someone to look after your "baby".

Smaller dogs invite their owners to think of them as “portable.” As a result, they travel with their owners to work (when possible), out shopping, to the theater, out to eat, on dates, on romantic engagements, to parties, events, even road trips and foreign and domestic flights. Some wealth people will even got to the extremes of chartering a private jet just so their dog doesn't have to be confined to a travel bag within the airplane. The less wealthy dog fanatics use specially designed dog carriers (“baby strollers/seats for dogs”) fit conveniently under airplane seats and can even look like a normal women’s carryall bag so when they enter eating establishments (where by law dogs are not allowed) they get in because the small dog is concealed. Problem is, getting a dog into these establishments and staying inconspicuous require two very different levels of effort. A dog is not going to stay still and quiet being locked up inside a bag for long - they get bored, overheated, thirsty, and hungry. This means that its owner must constantly check on them as well as reach their hand into their bag to stroke them, feed portions of the meal to them, give them ice chips or popcorn to keep them entertained, or just talk to them “to make sure they are ok psychologically” - if only opposite sex partners of such dog owners could receive similar love and attention! Some dog owners seek out friends as “emergency dog sitters” (where they can take the dog when they are in a bind), however if a friend asks if you will pet sit at the last possible moment but must check how you are with the dog before they allow you to watch the dog beware of the dog fanatic… Expect to receive lessons in dog care and receive typed instructions with phone numbers for the nearest vet to you, insurance policy information and phone numbers, as well as addresses and phone numbers of where the dog’s owner will be staying “just in case.” Some “Portable dogs” are brought into “pet free” hotels by their owners because they don’t want to stay in hotel rooms that are “dog friendly”. “Dog friendly” rooms are only available at second rat hotels and generally smell funny (or can be outright disgusting), even if they are located conveniently near an exit on the ground floor and have previously housed dogs so occupants shouldn’t feel bad or guilty if their dog has an accident. Dog accidents in nice hotels become a disgrace for future occupants but are somehow excusable by owners of “portable dogs” because they just couldn’t put up with staying in a smelly “dog friendly” room someplace else. If you fly with a “portable dog” you will notice all kinds of doggie paraphernalia within the sky mall that caters to dog fanatics. There are actual dog strollers (for those lazy dogs that require being pushed around by their owners), there are dog ramps that allow small dogs to climb up on furniture, there are even all different kinds of dog carriers (for smuggling dogs into yet more places), personalized dog mats and pillows and dog collars. The dog ramps are the most comical as one of the benefits of getting a small dog is that they can’t spread their fur all over your bed or furniture because they are not tall enough to jump up there, but such a gadget allows your dog to overcome this obstacle even if they are vertically challenged.

Small dogs become less like animals and more like an extension of their owners. These dogs are carried into the bedroom, snuggled in bed with their owners arms wrapped around them (if the dog can put up with it), cuddled, rocked, kissed, and constantly stroked “to ensure the dog knows it is being taken care of”. Women dog fanatics often kiss their dog’s mouth and all over their head – it can be a very disturbing sight for some man about to be kissed by the same woman after watching this. Such dogs will be picked up and carried if they can’t keep up with their owner or if they refuse to walk in the rain, heat, or snow. These dogs are tucked in to bed, checked on throughout the night “just to make sure their covers are still over them” and that they not feel a chill. If such dogs messed or chewed up something, dog fanatics always can find some kind of reason like, “my dog must be sad or lonely”, or “my dog is feeling neglected”, or “my dog is jealous or knows that someone doesn’t like them so they are messing to make a statement”. Dog fanatics regularly talk to people about the psychology of their dog like “he is going through a transition”, or “he was just traumatized by a shot at the vet”, or “he is getting used to a new routine” to explain or somehow justify unacceptable behavior. The truth of the matter is that any routine required by small dogs is more a routine for its owner rather than the dog. The dog is going to adapt to anything, but its owner must adjust their lifestyle care and feed for their dog's needs. Dog fanatics probe and constantly examine their dogs for changes in their behavior, their diet, and sometimes even their stools (“just in case their dog may have ate something they shouldn’t have eaten”). You wouldn’t find a farmer following around their dog to check the contents of its poop! It actually takes a certain individual to have the interest in their “baby” to want to pay attention to such a detail. If dogs are an extension of their owners, then their owners create unrealistic expectations on themselves to care for their dogs when they treat them like babies that they are not – they are after all “just dogs.” Right? Wouldn't a "pet rock" be easier, oh, but it doesn't love you back.

Who loves who?

How does a dog love you? Also, what does it take to really love your dog? Perhaps you love your dog because your are a dog breeder who's lot in life is to purify a dog's linage and raise it and especially breed it - only to do what? Today's dogs are breed to be great in water and then sold to anyone willing to pay for them including people who live in the city where such dogs never see open water to frolic in. Sheep dogs are breed and raised without ever knowing what a sheep looks like or what to do with one if it ever encountered one. Show dogs are breed and raised but when they are not showing off their coats (which is nearly all their lives) their owners are tied to endless combing and cleaning. Guard dogs are breed and raised, which can and do serve a useful purpose only they are not cuddly so they are less attractive pets. Does a dog love you if it follows you where ever you go? Does a dog love you if it licks your face or jumps on you? Does a dog love you if it runs along side you or wags its tail when it sees you? Do you speak dog? Perhaps if you did, perhaps you could really know for sure whether your dog loves you. On the other hand, perhaps your dog is just like a kid using the power of "manipulation" to get what ever they want. Perhaps a dog knows if it barks at you or constantly pesters you at the dinner table that it will get some easy pickings because it learns your weaknesses. Perhaps your dog is so bored be chained up or locked up all day long that the opportunity to do anything with anyone is pretty exciting to it - but the owner interprets this as their dog is very happy to see them. Cupboard love or "puppy love" describes a dog as a dumb animal who only does things to get what they want. Perhaps dog owners mistakenly interpret this as their dog is responding to them and loves them so they feel good about themselves and feel good about their pet.

The dollars and sense of urban dog care

Not only are dogs out of place in the city, but they are excruciatingly expensive. How much you ask? Well, what price can you put on love? Really, if it is all about love, than dogs are one of the most lucrative businesses within the city. Most “dog friendly” apartments charge up to one month’s rent deposit for people wanting to move in with dogs (some deposits are non-refundable), they also conveniently tack on another $50-100 a month for the privilege of keeping your dog in your apartment. Many dog owners carry health and or accident insurance on their dog. That’s right, for another $10-75 a month you can further take care of your pet “just in case”. However, in reading the fine print, guess what, the coverage only pays for broken bones and lacerations. If your dog gets hit in the head, bruised, or just needs shots, these are not covered. Yet it is impossible to take your dog to the vet and not get stuck with less than a $50 bill for “services” – plan on at least one visit to the vet per year but the more you care for your pet the more visits to the vet you may incur. "Vet extortion" happens when the vet knows how much you love your dog and will go to endless lengths to care for it including surgery. Stories of a couple who paid $3,000 to have a lump removed from their dog's back only to end up having to later put the dog asleep due to complications. Many dog owners also require “dog walkers” and “dog sitters”. Going away for business or want a romantic get away with no distractions, well it will cost you to the tune of anywhere from $10-25 per walk and $15-100 per night. Most “dog hotels” also require special vaccinations along with special certificates which cost an additional $100. Top that off with occasional bones ($3-5 each), treats ($5-20 each), food ($10-50 per bag), vitamins ($5-50 per vial), doggie (poop) bags ($3-5 per box), “filtered water” (can’t fee your poor doggie just tap water…), clothes ($15-100 a pop), shoes ($5-50 per pair), dog shampoo ($5-10), dog bushes and combs ($5-25), special cleaner for dog urine ($5-10), color coordinate leashes ($5-25 each), dog training ($150-300), dog owner lessons ($150-300), collars ($5-50 each), sleeping pillows ($15-200 each), blankets (hand-me-downs just don’t cut it – so, $10-100 each), and anything else you think you think your dog cannot live without. It is estimated that a dog in the city costs its owner anywhere between $1,500 and several thousand a year. This is many times what a cat in the city costs, and hideously more expensive than what the same dog would cost to keep on a farm.

Keep your elbows off the table

Dog owners often feed their dog right from the table. Perhaps you have some left overs or table scraps that would make good doggie treats. Often such dogs are trained to come to the table and constantly beg their owner and any other invited guest for food. Treats are given away for tricks the dog can do to amuse the owner or other people at the table. Such disciplined dogs constantly paw at people on the table, whine, bark, or jump up on their hind legs until they get food - even if such food is given to them in their bowl. Their owners either reward such behavior in delight or reward them just to dispense with the dog's annoying behavior which they likely instigated. Well disciplined dog owners feed their dog at regular times but during "human" meal times (including the preparations of it) the dog is never given anything, not even attention so that the dog doesn't have anything to look forward to during "human" meal time.

If we are not trying to teach or un-teach dogs certain "acceptable" behaviors we are trying to beat them into submission of how each of us believe they "should behave" or act. For example there is a huge market for devices that restrict what dogs do naturally such as run, bark, bite, etc. Choke collars restrict a dog from racing off after game (squirrel or a rabbit), shock collars control barking, rubber bands are placed around their mouth to discourage biting, and invisible fences keep dogs confined. It is like we want dogs to be happy, and loving, but only in the way that we find acceptable rather than what just comes natural for the dog. Now how can this be considered humane?

The grass is always greener?

There are very extensively posted ordinances that require dog owners to clean up after their dog but they aren’t strictly enforced to the point where any patch of rare grass within the city is fair game. If you are in a public area within the city and want to lie down on the plush grass to rest and relax, better look before you do. In addition, dogs urinate everywhere. Every lamppost, every sign, every tree, ever fire hydrant, every pole, everything and anything that jets out or one can walk around has dog urine on it. In fact, dogs urinate on trees so much in the city that the resulting overdose of acid in soil has been known to kill the tree. Increasingly when it is wet or cold outside, these pampered city dogs choose not to urinate where nature’s rain would otherwise somewhat clean off the urine (oh, and some “city dogs” just refuse to want to get wet) so they must urinate under canopies, patios, and other places where humans wanting to also stay out of the rain or snow congregate but now must also breath in dog urine.

There is no difference between second hand smoke and the smell of second hand dog waste. It would be nice to have the “freedom” to enjoy city parks without the need to look before you step, or to wait for a cab under a canopy without the need to breath in the smell of hundreds of dogs’ worth of urine. Do you find it strange that we shoe away the homeless when they find residence near our homes or places of work because we don’t want them urinating or defecating around us – even though it is just a normal bodily function. Yet we allow dogs to continue to do this because they are small helpless animals. Where is humanity and compassion for the homeless?

Dogs are the life of the party, a way of life and work

Often dog owners seek a harmonious living environment between their pet, their friends, their loved ones, their life (including work), and themselves. They want others to love their dog as they do so as a result they look for (and may even come to expect) others to acknowledge, cuddle, hug, kiss, hold, and show similar love for their dog as they do. The problem with this is that the pet now becomes part of everyone and everything related to their owner – the two are inseparable. Dogs are a constant topic of conversation to the point where it can become too much. No conversation is complete without mentioning the dog, no pictures of the family can be shown without including one dog picture, and email can be written without paying homage to the dog, no film in the camera is complete without at least one picture of the dog, and all photo albums and websites most definitely include the dog. There are even cases of people coveting pictures of their dogs so much that if such dogs have died and for some reason they didn’t have these pictures anymore they would be heart broken and in tears. Some dogs achieve such inclusion with their owners that they become part of what would have otherwise been classified as official business to the point where pictures of the dog are shown along side their owner in formal or official communications from its owner including Christmas pictures. The owner and the dog are a socially recognized and accepted as a unit such that if either is seen by itself it is not completely recognized.

Dogs are no trouble at all; they are small loving and helpless animals

These are the famous last words of a dog owner in the city - when you don't take into account the "ball and chain" aspects of owning a dog. Dogs require an inordinate amount of attention and work – that amounts to an average of between 2-4 hours of attention per day. That’s right, up to one fourth of a dog owners waking hours must be devoted to caring for their dog – a far cry from no trouble at all! Ideally, a dog should be walked 3-4 times each day (ideally every 6 hours). Larger dogs may require more walking and high energy dogs require longer walks – possibly even runs. Each walk can take between 15 minutes and an hour depending on how anxious your dog is to poop and/or pee. For the average person that works during the day, they must schedule time to walk their dog before they leave for work, either return home for lunch and walk the dog or leave early from work to walk their dog or pay for a dog walker to come to their home over the noon hour and walk the dog, schedule time to walk their dog upon returning from home from work, and then again before bed the dog must be walked. The late night dog walks are the signs of the most devoted dog lover as if you can always muster the energy to walk your dog before bed to the point where you look forward to it, you truly love your dog. Many dog owners in the city, say they love their dog and wouldn’t trade it for anything, yet as 11:00 pm roles around, many of these same people dread the thought of bundling up themselves (as well as their dog) for that one last squirt or poop. If their dog is adverse to the current weather and can’t seem to be bothered to go the bathroom outside in the elements, such dogs often reward their owners my messing in their apartments during the night.

The lucky owners have dogs that at least find an out of the way place to mess, however the unlucky ones have the opportunity of mistakenly finding the mess by stepping in it during their evening trip to the bathroom or the kitchen while they are half asleep. There is nothing like stepping in dog urine when you are half asleep and if you can do it and still have the love in your dog to go over and stroke it saying “there, there, it is ok” you are truly a dog lover.

So what is a dog fanatic?

Not all people who love their dog are dog fanatics, rather just those that take things excessively - but to be sure there are a multitude of ways one can take dog ownership to the extreme. For example, if you can't go a week without talking about your dog or if you change your voice when you greet dogs and begin speaking baby talk - you might be a dog fanatic. If the number of pictures taken of yourself are eclipsed or nearly the same as the number of pictures you take of your dog, or your computer and your camera always have dog pictures in it, or you weep if you somehow lost pictures of your dead dog, or you are regularly seen in public with your dog to the point where if you didn't show up with your dog people would ask you how your dog is - you might be a dog fanatic. If you have a dog shrink, or a dog hypnotist, or you carry an expensive dog insurance policy on your dog, or you have more than $100 worth of dog cloths or more than $100 worth of dog travel luggage or $100 worth of dog furniture - you might be a dog fanatic. There are people who are in self denial of being a dog fanatic say, they love their dog but would never kiss its mouth but are concerned about the well being of their dog to the point of borderline paranoia. What is interesting, is people aren't just born dog fanatics. They take small steps to becoming one in a very harmless manor, they find themselves increasingly doing things for their dog "just because" or "just in case" to the point where somewhere along the way they step over the line and become dog fanatics.

Put dogs and dog ownership into perspective

Some people believe that once they are looking at paying a vet bill of more than $100 (versus less than $75 for a lethal injection of medicine to put the dog to sleep), it is time to rethink their need for the dog or perhaps it is just time to look for another dog. While that may be a bit extreme, it is realistic and perhaps a good model for non-dog fanatics to follow as true dog fanatics would not hesitate to put a dog on life support (spending hundreds or even a thousand dollars in health care) before they realize that “their baby” is – just a dog! Such people believe that if they can’t care for a dog themselves regularly or at certain times of each day that they don’t need a dog walker but rather they need to not own a dog.

Today, it is as if some people think money is the solution to the chore of having and taking care of their dog. Money can be used in place of owner’s care and feeding – to the point where if you don’t have the energy or it isn’t convenient for you to take care of your dog that you just have someone or a service do it for you. Throwing money at dog care frees you from your doggie time commitments and the realities of dog ownership (the significant time commitment) so you can have all the benefits of having a dog without all the personal inconvenience (or huge responsibility) it takes to keep them. Money is also a means of having "luxury dogs" which are dogs that can be called upon or placed within your keep “when it is convenient for their owners" and taken taken away during other times. In the city, people even share dogs. A shared dog is a dog that is owned by two or more people and who is constantly moved back and forth between these people depending on their schedule or available time. The fact of the matter is that humans take care of dogs. More appropriately, dog owners care for their dogs. If you like dogs and can personally commit your time to care for one, get one. They are wonderful animals after all… But know that they are a lot of work (don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise) and if you can’t own up to this fact yourself and can’t take this on completely by yourself indefinitely, than really think twice before going out and getting one.

Getting or keeping a dog is a personal matter between an individual and the dog. Even in the case of a "family dog" there is always one person who ultimately cares for it. If you have time to care for a dog and can commit to keeping them indefinitely, then get them. It is really that simple. However, where owners begin to teeter on this subject is when third parties enter the picture or their living situation changes. If you begin to travel excessively for work and can no longer take care of your dog most practical people give their dog up for adoption. However, there are those that just resort to throwing more money at that problem rather than own up to the decision that they can no longer care for the dog. Breaking commitments are like giving up and some people will kill themselves or throw away money excessively before resorting to the obvious choice -giving up their dog. However giving up and finding a new home for your dog is also two different things. People who are attached to their dog take it upon themselves to find the best possible home for their dog – they can’t live with themselves if their dog could somehow find its new home unacceptable. As a result, personal interviews are required of the interested candidates to ensure “a good home is guaranteed for their baby.” The interview process is quite extensive where the physical appearance of the potential owner is critical. If potential new owner is overweight, or not dressed nice, or not color coordinated, or they have other dogs that are perhaps a wee over weight, or other particular preferences are not met, then the candidate is deemed unacceptable. If you are a person looking to adopt a dog from such a person, perhaps your better of buying one from a breeder or just going to a shelter and getting one as you might not be up to the dog owner's standards and could be wasting your time - dogs under care of a dog fanatic are no better or worst than any other dog. They are after all, "just dogs."

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